I miss Amsterdam. Of course, being there wasn’t reality. At least it wasn’t my reality. While I like to say I immersed myself in the lifestyle rather than being a tourist, it wasn’t my life. It wasn’t my daily life. It still was vacation. Sure I did laundry there and I went to the grocery store. We cooked and cleaned. But I was living out of a suitcase. I went to bed at 3a most nights and slept in. I didn’t have to worry about opening mail and paying bills. My cell phone didn’t work there so I didn’t have phone calls to deal with. Sure, I checked my messages (and noticed yesterday, nearly a week after I had come home, I had missed some of them) and I checked my emails. It wasn’t reality.
Since being home I have forced myself to walk nearly everyday. As I have said, it isn’t the same. And, I don’t want to be down on LA. This is my home. I choose to be here for my career as an actor and a writer. I do love a lot of things about Los Angeles. I am looking for the beauty in my surroundings. Does that sound airy fairy? Maybe it’s the feeling that life is short that has stuck with me since my trip. I feel different. I feel like my outlook is different; more positive. Not in a delusional “positive thinking” kind of way. I feel more like “this is it!” This is the life I get to live. I feel more appreciative of what I have and feel fortunate for everything.
I went to the dentist yesterday. I am not keen on having my mouth worked on. I have become a much better patient over the years. There was a time when I would need gas just for a cleaning. Oral hygiene is really important to me. I am not sure if it is my fear of needing dental work that has me brush and floss daily. Whatever the cause I am diligent about it. When I moved here years ago a good friend recommended my dentist. Sure he is a bit more expensive than if I went to a dentist in the valley but it is worth every penny. As they say, you get what you pay for. (His name is Jonathan Engel. If you go, tell him I sent you.) Yesterday’s appointment was for preventative care. He called it micro dentistry. As long as I get to keep my teeth and have healthy gums for the rest of my life, bring it on.
I have had this vision in my head of a cute outfit. Yesterday morning, I put it on before I raced out the door to the dentist. As I walked down the street from the parking structure to his office I felt more and more uncomfortable. The outfit didn’t translate from my brain to the real world. It was much cuter in my head than it was on my body. The shirt is just too big. The pants looked odd with my boots. My feet looked enormous. As I walked the shirt hugged my ass. I could picture myself in the back of Glamour magazine as a “Fashion DON’T” with a black bar covering my eyes (as if that would disguise my identity.) I had errands to run but HAD to come home and change before I ran them. I was thrilled to put on my chocolate brown T. Somehow, just changing the shirt made the pants better. With the change I was able to tolerate my big feet too. Since I was home, I thought it shouldn’t be a total loss, so I poured myself the last of the French Pressed coffee I had made earlier. As I walked through our small apartment I managed to pour the entire cup of coffee down the front of my shirt. In the moment of disbelief, as the coffee dripped off my shirt and onto the floor, I stood there stunned. After putting my shirt in the wash (it was a good impetus to do some laundry) and cleaned the floor, I put on my third outfit of the day…without the giant boots.
Today is another day. I walked this morning. I drank coffee without spilling it. I had some of the Gouda cheese I brought back with some dark bread. I have been on line. I have errands to run and phone calls to make. (My dentist’s office called to check on me. They are so great!) I have some writing to do. I am going to be a good wife and cook a nice dinner so it will be done when my husband gets home. Then tomorrow will be another day…funny, how that works. I am still unsure as to what is next. They say this is a good place to be. When you don’t know you can take the opportunity to be creative. This is defnitely an opportunity. My mind has been very busy since I have been back and I want to get my thoughts out and see what comes of them.